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Patient: ‘Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’
Doctor: ‘Yes, of course…’
Patient: ‘Great! I never could before!’
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An anesthesiologist is flying across the country for a conference, when a flight attendant comes running down the aisle, shouting, "Is anyone on board an anesthesiologist?!?!"
The anesthesiologist raises his hand and announces his presence, and asks what the problem is, and whether anyone is sick.
"Oh, no, no one's sick, but there's a surgeon up in first class who needs his table adjusted."
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How do you hide a dollar from a hospitalist? Put it under the bandaid. How do you hide a dollar from a surgeon? Put it in the patient's chart. How do you hide a dollar from a neurosurgeon? Give it to his son. How do you hide a dollar from a cardiologist? Impossible. Nobody can hide a dollar from a cardiologist. |
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? None the lightbulb must change itself.
How do you recognize an gynecologist with poor eyesight? By their wet nose.
And a saying about different specialties: A psychiatrist doesn't know anything and can't do anything. An internist knows everything but can't do anything. A surgeon knows nothing but can do anything. A pathologist knows everything and can do anything, just a day too late.
Not sure how much those survived my attempt of translation. |
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"How many oncologists do you need to burry a man ? ... 7, 6 to carry the coffin and one to pass the chemo" "How do you recognise an oncologist at a funeral ? ... he's the one doing CPR"
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A family doctor, internist, surgeon and pathologist go duck hunting together. The family doc sees a bird and thinks "looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, must be a duck" and takes the shot. Later on the internist sees something - "Looks like a duck, quacks like a duck. Probably a duck. Rule out ostrich, rule out penguin...". Finally, the surgeon sees a bird, takes out his two revolvers and fires 12 shots in 2 seconds, taking down the target in a blaze of bullets. He then turns to the pathologist and says "Go tell me if that was a duck". |
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What's the difference between an introverted and an extroverted pathologist? The introverted pathologist looks at his shoes when he's talking to you. The extroverted pathologist looks at yours. |
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Three women are in the OB's office, awaiting their appointments. Two are reading magazines, the third knitting a sweater.
First woman looks at her watch, then takes a pill from her purse and swallows it. The other two women inquire about the pill. "Oh, that's my iron, to make my baby strong."
Second woman looks at her watch, does the same; removes a pill from her purse and swallows it. The other two ask what it was. "Oh, it's my folate, so my baby will be born with a healthy nervous system."
Third woman looks at her knitting, at her watch, then back at her knitting. She takes a pill from her purse. The other two women inquire about the pill she just took. "Oh, this is my thalidomide. I just can't get these sleeves right!"
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This one usually works on first years:
"What does an ECG stand for and what is it used for?"
"Electrocardiogram used to monitor the heart's electrical signals" is what they answer
"Okay, what about an EEG"
"electroencephalogram used to monitor brain electrical activity" should be what they answer with
"alright. Then what does an EGG stand for and what's it used for?"
Most newbies will be stumped and rack their brains for a while.
"It's an egg and it's for eating"
Lame. |
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I chose to become a dermatologist. I thought about it really carefully - it wasn't a rash decision. |
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A man goes to the doctor for some results, and is met by a sexy receptionist who tells him to sit. A few minutes later he's called into the office:
Doc: Well, I have good news and bad news, which one do you want first?
Patient: Hmmm let's start with the bad news
Doctor: Well bad news is you have stage IV lung cancer and there's nothing we can do about it
Patient: Oh my god... well... so what's the good news?
Doctor: Did you see my receptionist on your way in?
Patient: Yes?
Doctor: Well I'm fucking her!
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What's the difference between a gorilla and an orthopedic surgeon?
A gorilla doesn't pee in the shower. |
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My favorite ways to deliver news to a patient.
Doctor: ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you, it looks like your pregnant
Patient: I'm pregnant?
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are
and
Doctor: I'm sorry to say it, but you're as healthy as a horse.
Patient: that's great!
Doctor: A horse that has cancer... |
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A man comes into the doctor for a checkup. The doctor takes a listen to his chest, tests his reflexes, (insert whatever physical exam stuff you feel like here), then says "I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." The man says, "what? why?!" And the doctor replies "because I'm trying to examine you." |
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A doctor and a lawyer are chatting at a party, and the doctor laments to the lawyer about how he's sick of people coming to him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "You should do what I do, and send them a bill in the mail afterwards." The doctor says "That's actually a pretty good idea, thanks!" The next day the doctor gets a bill in the mail from the lawyer. |
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tq seribulan
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