Hawk's Corner - Jokes and Romantic Stories n Quotations

TheHawk · Post time 11-5-2007 10:06 AM

THIS MUST COUNT AS THE BEST MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered
to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her
buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor
their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the
surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and
relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion
at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I
see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

TheHawk · Post time 11-5-2007 10:13 AM

Malaysian Law Student

UK Immigration Officer talks with new trainee : "You will find that 80% of M'sians come to UK to study Law"

Trainee : "Really .......?? We must have really good Law institutions here then.......?"

Officer: "You know, there ought to be a lot of lawyers in Malaysia."

Trainee: "Oh, really......? That's really something I never knew. Hard to believe. In fact, Malaysia is not a big country, I've been there., you know."

Officer: "I'll prove it to you. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along and I'll bet he's here to study Law.

Trainee waits for the next influx of visitors at the immigration check point. After going through a few passports he finally chanced upon a M'sian passport.

Trainee: " Mr Chong Ah Kow, welcome to Britain. Please state the purpose of your visit"

Mr Chong Ah Kow : " Study lorr....."

[ Last edited by TheHawk at 11-5-2007 10:15 AM ]

TheHawk · Post time 11-5-2007 10:21 AM

ASSASSIN TEST FOR MEN AND WOMEN.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, six in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said, "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

TheHawk · Post time 11-5-2007 10:28 AM

Spam Ah Beng Looking For Wife

This is a story about Ahbeng in search of a wife with the help of his
mother, Ahkew. One day Ahbeng's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and introduce to Ahbeng .
The 3 pretty girls name and occupation :
1.) Ahuey - Telephonist
2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher
3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor

Ahbeng very sexcited lar of course then after a while of chatting with the girls his mother asked him.

Ahkew : Ahbeng, how ? Which one you like the most ?

Ahbeng : I like Ahlian the most

Ahkew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ahmoi not bad
leh! gomen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna go to
skool also easy

Ahbeng : Ahmah dunwan laaa!!

Ahkew : Why dunwan?

Ahbeng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say "PLEASE REPEAT!! DO AGAIN!!! I
Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE! " Like this very tiring everynite I can die one ahmah!

Ahkew : aiyoo!!! then Ahuey lar! at least she is better than Ahlian

Ahbeng : Dunwan also! ahmah, she is telephonist la! they love to say " WAIT
A MINIT! PLEASE HOLD ON!" dem potong stim lidat ahmah where got mood to
make baby la?

Ahkew : Aiyoyo!!! then what u like about Ahlian so much? bus conductor only
wor!!! Where got future one ?

Ahbeng : Ahmah you dunno wan la ... I always take mini bus to KL, those
women bus conductor always say "BANG! MASUK BELAKANG!!! MASUK DALAM
SIKIT!!! DALAM ADA TEMPAT!!! MASUK MASUK!!!" (in yingrish it means "go in
behind, go deep inside! go deeper some more! inside still got place!!
deeper! deeper!!!) everytime they say lidat i also very sexcited one !!!!

TheHawk · Post time 15-5-2007 09:01 PM

The Blonde and the Deodorant

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

TheHawk · Post time 16-5-2007 07:49 AM

Katak

Seorang saintis ingin membuat kajian tentang seekor katak,dia pun mengambil seekor katak dan menguji lompatan katak tersebut, ujikaji pertama dijalankan oleh saintis tersebut, saintis itu meletakkan katak dan menyebut "LOMPAT!" kemudian katak itu melompat 4 kaki jauh.

Saintis itu menulis dalam buku ujikaji nye :katak 4 kaki,lompat 4 kaki jauh. Kemudian saintis memotong 2 kaki katak dan menyebut "LOMPAT!" Katak melompat 2 kaki jauh.Kemudian dia menulis :katak 2 kaki,lompat 2 kaki jauh.

Kemudian saintis memotong lagi 2 kaki katak dan dia menyebut "LOMPAT!" Katak tidak melompat, kemudian dia menyuruh lagi katak tersebut lompat tetapi katak tidak melompat, dan dia pun menulis dalam buku ujikaji nye :katak tak ada kaki, mengalami masalah pendengaran...

TheHawk · Post time 16-5-2007 07:52 AM

Kucing la....

Seekor kucing kepunyaan seorang pakar konselor menyusup masuk pasar jualan ikan...dan mencuri seekor ikan tenggiri..

Penjual ikan lalu pergi ke pejabat pakar konselor tadi dan bertanya:

"Kalau seekor kucing yang dilepas dan mencuri seekor ikan tenggiri dari kedai saya, apakah saya ada hak untuk menuntut ganti rugi dari pemiliknya ?"

"Tentu saja!" jawab pakar konselor...

Penjual Ikan bersorak kegembiraan "Bagus... kalau begitu encik harus membayar saya RM 10.00 untuk seekor ikan tenggiri yang dicuri oleh kucing encik dari kedai saya tadi pagi."

Pakar konselor tanpa sepatah kata pun terus membayar RM 10.00 kepada penjual ikan tersebut...

Keesokannya ketika penjual ikan mengambil surat dari peti surat rumahnya.. dia bertemu sekeping surat dari pakar konselor tersebut.... kandungannya: "RM 200.00 untuk perkhidmatan kaunseling"

TheHawk · Post time 18-5-2007 08:28 PM

"Old Man Joke"

A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.

"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.