Edited by lil_skidamarink at 9-1-2019 01:35 PM
hanya meluah di sini,
saya mempunyai masalah depression, masalah bebanan hutang, meluat dengan keluarga sendiri (keluarga tidak berapa harmoni).
saya selalu rasa tidak berguna! saya selalu rasa menyusahkan orang sekeliling. Tidak pernah rasa senang, selalu risau, kadang-kadang rasa mau marah sangat smpai pernah tumbuk dinding. perasaan saya bercampur aduk. saya tiada masa untuk Me-time. saya tidak tahu sama siapa saya mahu meluah sebab saya sukar percayakan sesiapa. saya hilang kawan-kawan kerna hutang. saya pernah hampir rasa mahu GIVE UP, sampai saya nangis terasa betul sakit hati. orang sekeliling bukan percaya saya ada masalah depression, malah saya dikatakan saya buat-buat begitu supaya saya minta perhatian. betul-betul buat saya DOWN! tetapi, bila saya pikir balik. Takkan saya pilih jalan singkat then camna dengan anak saya nanti?? mencari-cari mummy nya. saya tidak tahu lagi camna mahu cari jalan penyelesaian untuk settelkan semua masalah-masalah saya. bestnya kalau semua masalah lesap . saya cuba kuatkan semangat & pikir positif saja nie. kadang-kadang saya benci diri sendiri kerana sendiri timbulkan byk masalah. saya harap masalah-masalah settle cepat, sebab saya target tahun 2019 ini bebas hutang.
. . .
Some days, I’m emotionally swept away by depression’s undertow, lying in that sea of silken sheets, until I’m able to muster the courage to ask for help. Other days, when I feel more defiant, I push through the discomfort, and do whatever I have to. To be the wife my partner deserves, the mother my children need, and the woman I know I am—outside of this disease. Some of my friend says I’m strong. Wanita hebat. Confident. Determined. Brave. Fearless. Resilient. But deep inside, I’m weak. Insecure. Dark. Broken. I’ve come a long way in managing my depression and anxiety. I’ve heard the voices of suicide, and took the steps to stay instead. It’ll never feel easy, and I have a long way to go, forever really, but I want to. Need to. High-functioning depression is a slow-burn, invisible but powerful. I can be all the things everyone expects me to be. At the same time, the fire inside will eventually consume me, if left to its own volition. These kind of fires—unhealed wounds—will never die without the acceptance that I’m not capable on my own. It’s a battle to be fought with an army.
Through our typical days here, when I find a moment of solitude within, I see the acceptance of the real version of me—the one not buried by the depression—in my children’s eyes and I think, if they can love and accept me the way I am, maybe I can, too. You can, too.
And so, tomorrow, when I open my eyes, I’ll try to start the new day differently. I’ll aim to embrace the beginning as the gift it is—even if I don’t feel it. And maybe, if I say it, eventually, I’ll believe it. I’ll continue doing all the things that alleviate the darkest symptoms, with the hope that the laughter bellowing through the house can be real and the depression will someday fade completely. For now, I’ll hug my love, daughter and sing. No matter what I feel, or what the day might bring, they are the sunshine, and they’ve chosen me to beam their light upon. A light that I may be undeserving of, but one I’ll work to earn.
With that belief, maybe someday, I’ll be their light. And together we’ll shine.
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Post time 8-1-2019 02:51 PM
变色卡
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