To The Fat Girl In The Mirror

CikBersahaja

Dear Fat Girl,How are you today?
I am guessing for the constant fidgeting and fake smiles; today especially isn't so lit?


I see you're trying to pay attention to your face as you put on make-up
and how you squint pass the round cheeks and double chin as you contour up.                                                                          
For the fact that no amount of make-up can hide these chubbs.

I watch as you focus on your neck and shoulder
As you get ready to shower and you always feel like you look slimmer from the view of these parts
I watch; as you avoid looking at your tummy and sparetyre or lovehandle you see that live there.


It is probably no accident that the only mirror in your bedroom is nicely perfect for only putting on make-up
and doesn't give you a lot of room to get a view of yourself
Because it's better to look at yourself from chest up.


It must be tough everytime you put a fork to your mouth and get a flash of shame;
not because what you're eating is unhealthy, but for the fact you're eating at all.


I have watched how you buy your clothes; nothing too tight or fancy; and how you opt for buying things two sizes too big so they fit loosely
How you’ve buy girdles and corsets and how you're embarassed about the fact when there are times you prefer maternity jeans and slack;
when you've never even have kids yet.


I watch when you compensate for your feelings by putting brave facade and how to which degree that forced you to feel angry almost every single time. And how that often goes back down the spiral of self-loathing you feel yourself.

So I wanted to let you know that I am leaving you.
You've taught me a lot about how to be sensitive, what to cultivate beyond my look and this larger than size twenty-two
that authenticity, originality, staying true to your truth are really the best currencies to have.


I want; to thank you for keeping me in rapport with many other people from Dietitians to Beauticians to Cosmetic Surgeons and often have given me something to talk about when I was trying to be funny by using self-depreciation.
And for allowing me to be part of a conversation where many people sit and sink into their screen so much easier by asking "Which diet style does help burn fat fast?"
Just to break the ice.

I am so appreciative of the ways you make me feel sad, vulnerable, insufficient, and ugly.
As it has afforded me a softness in the heart for other people's pain and awareness of the inner conflict; many of us are dealing inside.
You’ve taught me all of these wonderful, beautiful, and important lessons and still today I am breaking up from you.


This time it is for real and as long as I remember or half remember I’ve tried to divorce that fat and scared girl for the longest time and have failed often.
I’ve faked my way through the separation; pretending I was done but secretly keep sabotaging the process with words I didn’t believe I’ve said.
So this time I want a closure.


And from now on, I am sure I am over being extra
So I wanted to write you a love letter, to thank you for being part of my breakthroughs.

And bear with me when I say this.
I finally have outgrown you.Before, outgrowing anything seems like a knock on what I always have wanted but that’s not the case for today.
As I sit in this NLP certification training today and as I am able to re-write these words, I CELEBRATE the outgrowing of my new self from the Old;
and getting to grow both consciously and subconsciously bigger and the expanding of my Higher Self.
Today outgrowing and expanding mean something new.


I will never forget you and shall honour what you gave me but the direction of my going next requires only one space for either one of us;
so this is where I leave you.
Thank you for all that you offered me and I believe I am taking charge from hereon.


This time I am ready.
And so does the world.                                                                                                                                       
And so is the universe.